Perpetual motion

Can't stop learning…

What are you afraid of?

The question above, when asked by me of others, has led to nothing but trouble and heartache. I ask it when I believe I know the answer, or when I know the answer I wish were what the other person believed, but the outcome, invariably for me at least, is negative. Given the recent events of less than 3 weeks ago, it’s time to answer the question for myself. What am I afraid of?

Short term:
I’m afraid I’ll get fat and lazy again without another big race on the menu. Right now, aside from two olympic distance races and either an epic bike ride through the National Parks of southern Utah or a third olympic, I’ve got nothing to train for. I’ve enjoyed being lazy for the past two weeks, but I feel that it’s time to move on and get back to what I’ve been doing for the last year: doing cool shit with my fitness and pushing my body.

Long term:
I’m afraid I’ll forget the feeling of finishing, of pride, of accomplishment. Of Happiness. Those who were there saw it. I’ve never been so happy in my whole life, at least, never so happy as a result of something I had worked for or done. Never so proud of myself either. I finished. I said I would do something, started the process, and finished it. I’m slightly afraid that the sometimes, or oftentimes, dreariness of daily life (work, I’m looking at you), will continue, not to flatten my spirit, but to drown the memory of my accomplishment and happiness. I’ll always have the memory of finishing, but I’m afraid that it just won’t be as powerful.

I’m not afraid, anymore at least, of being alone. I may not like it, but I am not scared by the possibility of being alone for a significant portion of time. If this process taught me anything, it’s that I have a great group of family and friends, but even more so, I can find cool shit to do. I can find other stuff to do as well (I did yoga once, and while I liked it, well, I’m not sure it was for me). I’m not sure how much of that would have been possible with a significant other in the picture (mainly because there wasn’t one to find out if it was possible), and while I figure most of it is possible, I know I can do it without a significant other. It may get lonely, but then, you can be lonely with people too.

I’m sure there’s a lot more I’m afraid of, but in light of this process, these are the significant things that come to mind.

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