Bandaids

I’m watching Das Boot in the original German with English subtitles. So it’s a bit difficult to type and watch the movie at the same time, but I’ll do it. I got sick on Monday. I had actually been fatigued  all weekend but was not expecting to wake up feeling like shit on Monday. But I did. It’s taken 2.5 days to get over it, but I finally got a workout in tonight… swam 2400 meters. well, im not sure if it was meters or yards, but i think it’s meters. the weather is getting perfect for me – I love training in a bit of a chill.

i was thinking today about how difficult it is to maintain friendships – I thought friendships would become easier as I grew older, but the simple fact of the matter is that people’s worlds become more insular as they grow – more acquaintances perhaps, but the number of friends, good friends, i think grows smaller. i’ve got friends on the west coast, a friend in lebanon, and a ton of friends on the east coast who are busy at work or with their significant others. So it’s a little lonely, but we find other things to get ourselves through the day.

Oh, and the line from one or two times ago: “Condoms are like another kind of latex band-aids to me.” I couldn’t figure out a way to work it into a story, though I like the image.

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Keep me in your thoughts, don’t disappear

Maybe the drugs are working…

Yeah, if you get that one, you’re listening too way too much of the same music I am listening to way too much of.  Anyhow, I’m… I’ve got about 12 minutes to write this before I go to sleep. I’ve had a shitload of stuff going through my head that I’ve wanted to type but I’m far too fucking ADHD and unmotivated to write anything. I had this great image in my head that I’ve been trying to figure out a way to fit a story around. I’ve got two CDs that I want to make, One for Now and One for the Next One. I’ve had bad stomach issues the past week, totally un-lactose related, totally unrelated to anything I’ve fucking eaten.

Anyhow, one of these people at work keeps getting presents from her boyfriend. It’s a kind of sad reminder of all the ways I messed up, and all the things I can do better. But it’s not so bad.

Next time.

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She said “You’re changing.” Well we’re always changing

I should be working now. I mean, I should be asleep, but there are some significant problems that I’m working on that I’d like to have solved. Of course, not doing anything between 6:30 and midnight is not conducive to solving those problems. So I guess the bigger/biggest problem is actually sitting down to work, which writing isn’t. But in not being work, it’s much more interesting.  That’s not to say I don’t enjoy my work: in fact, I enjoy it significantly more than most other jobs I’ve held. It’s quite the challenge.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever really change from who I am. I don’t know that I haven’t tried, and I don’t know that I haven’t changed. I know that now I am happy and actually acting happy, though I am still quite cynical. If you ask my parents, I think they’ll say I’ve always had some snide comeback to everything that is said around me (not necessarily said to me). I imagine that watching TV with me must get quite irritating. I’d imagine that most things, when I am at my most verbal, are quite annoying to do with me. And I’d imagine that even when I’m not being loud, I can still be annoying in still other ways.

I’ve been sleeping like crap again lately. It’s taking me forever to fall asleep and I wake up in a sweat every morning and I have no earthly idea why. I don’t think I’ve even been dreaming of late. I got nothing else. I’m going to try and solve one of these problems and then go to sleep.

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Silence

I’m riding backwards on a train to Princeton. I haven’t been back there since reunions, but then, that makes sense. There are a lot of memories there, both bad and good. But then, really, who cares? I mean, I do, and maybe the people who care about me do, but I think we all leave good and bad memories wherever we go. So it’s totally to be expected and entirely uninteresting.

Anyhow, riding a train backwards is something I enjoy. You may say, always look forward, because that’s where the future is, but today has been one of those hectic hellish days where it’s been everything non-stop, and it’s nice to finally slow down. What a tortured metaphor that is: Sitting backwards on the train. Fuck. I like it because I like it, not because it means anything at all. Also, the seat was available and it didn’t smell like a toilet, so it has that going for it. I like the graffiti and ruined buildings along the train tracks – I guess I like the pristine buildings in the city too, but yes, maybe I like ruins and run-down buildings a little more than the skyscrapers. Any maybe it’s because I am totally removed from them while I’m in the train. Maybe if I went up and touched them, I would not like them so much. Or maybe it’s because they are much more interesting to imagine. What hermit lived in that house? What was built in those factories or stored in the warehouse? But that’s not it. Every time I think of a reason, I can rationalize it or argue it away. But I guess there’s a bit of beauty in the dilapidation.

Even so, I’d much rather be back at work now. I just reached a milestone in my work last night, and I’d like to be able to follow it while it ran. But instead, my officemate is calling me and trying to make it run faster. Which I should be OK with, but I’m not. I’m not learning anything from him updating my work. But I can’t be because I’m not there to work on it. I guess, though, that it could be worse. I might not want to be either place. Are there places I would much rather be? Yes. Are there people I would much rather be with? Yes. But here is where I am, and I better make the most of it.

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You can find yourself in the bottom of a bottle

But you can’t find your way out…

I’m happy. For… well not for the for the first time in a long time… but it’s something… maybe the first time I’ve been happy not being miserable. Driving home from the City this weekend, I realized that there’s nothing wrong with me, and there’s nothing wrong with that fact. Maybe I used to think that nobody would care about me if I weren’t on the edge of depression. But the fact of the matter is, there’s nothing wrong with me. So that’s good.

Also, trapeze class is way cool. Some photos/videos coming. Possibly within 30 months!

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I’m back…

So, as some of you might know… well, actually, no most know but some don’t. The whole heart thing came back fine. I ended up having 3 EKGs total and an echocardiogram. The echocardiogram was really cool and fun. Totally painless and it was incredibly cool to see my heart on the screen. Looked like a fist squeezing over and over.

Work has been a pain lately, but it’s getting better (I think… I can’t really tell if that’s because the end is in sight for my current work or because just everything in my life is just getting better). Nothing much has changed with me, I’m just… I’m me again.


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Broken hearted savior

As an update to the last post, I know have a physician/internist with whom I have an appointment next Wednesday. It’s not an echocardiogram, but at least it will start me down that path.

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A heart still broken

I’ve had two consecutive abnormal ECG/EKGs. I’m doubt it’s anything, but in the meantime, there’s no training for me until I get an okay from a cardio doc. I’ll have to find something else to occupy my time.

Update: In response to Sid, both ECGs have shown early repolarization (not a big deal from what I’ve gathered online) and probable left ventricle hypertrophy. That might be the result of training, or it might be congenital, or it might be a sign of something else. I’ve ruled out high blood pressure as I’m pretty sure I don’t have high blood pressure. Anyhow, I’m in the process of looking for a doc to try and tell me exactly what it is, if he can.

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Gusterrific

I bet they’ve never heard that one before. Anyhow, it was a really good show. Really really good. So good, I wonder why I don’t go to concerts more often. I’m not going to talk about the opener cause I’ve nothing good to say about him. But Guster, whoa buddy. They were awesome. Last time I saw Guster, we trekked from Seattle to Vancouver to see them play. In front of 45 people. Maybe. This was a different experience. 1,000 fans packed into the 9:30 Club (I only say 1,000 cause I asked a bartender what capacity was, and that was his response. Your mileage may vary). It was almost 999 cause I had some problems trying to get rid of my ticket, but it all worked out in the end as a coworker of mine decided that he, like me, didn’t get out enough.

So the show: a little of the old stuff, a little of the new stuff, some disco ball, and of course, so cow bell. By far the most interesting encore I’ve ever seen, as they started the crowd off on Two Points for Honesty and then left the stage, only to come back after we had gotten through the first verse. They finished off with an an unplugged Jesus on the Radio, which I had seen once before (in Vancouver), but it’s a bit different when 1,000 people shut up and not just you and your group of 10 friends.

I’m spent. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. Which means it’s time for a shower and then bed, and then a new day tomorrow where it’s pretty much like today, only with two workouts instead of one.

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We’re not sentimental we’re just oil filled machines

Via Slashdot: This is incredible.

More here.


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