All these things that I’ve done

I’ve been looking back on the past year. It’s been pretty rough. I have written up on my wall that 2008 was seemed a lot like 2007. I wrote that in January I think. There were three very bright spots in the year: the birth of my nephew, thanksgiving, and finishing the ironman. I can’t say enough about my nephew: without being able to speak (yet) or locomote in any fashion other than what may perhaps be crawling, he’s brought about such noticeable changes in my entire family and these have been unequivocally positive change. Thanksgiving was nice because there were four generations at the table and some new faces this year. I also cooked dishes for it, and nobody died, so at least I’ve got that going for me.

Finishing the ironman was a moment that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I know I’ve tried to explain the feeling of finishing: I can’t. Unbridled joy? Check. For someone who has as much self-doubt and such self-consciouness as I do, I don’t really recall any of it while finishing. I was not thinking if other people were judging me for not having a great body type or for what I was wearing or how I was running or anything at all. I was just so wrapped up in it. That happiness, I thought at the time, would transform me in the sense that once you know happiness like that, how do you go back to… I don’t know… not being happy with what you are making of your life. And yet 8 months and 1 day later, I feel as though I’m in the same place doing the same things over and over and over again, making the same mistakes, acting as immaturely as ever with as little ability to exercise self-restraint. I see myself as a light switch without a dimmer: I’m either full on or full off, with no moderate level in between. So what else has happened in the last twelve months?

Let’s see. My best friend got married. Though I couldn’t make it to the wedding, I did get to serve as his best man in spirit and did eventually meet his bride in Pittsburgh. They’re a great couple, in my estimation. It was also great to see him for the first time in two and a half years.

In addition to the Ironman, I’ve got the triathlon bug really bad. This took me to such far off places as Chicago and NYC and allowed me to swim in hallowed bodies of water: Lake Michigan, the Hudson River, and the Potomac River (again). Unfortunately, due to my job I don’t get to do a lot of group training so I haven’t met as many people as I would like.

My job. I suppose I am thankful I still have one.

I guess in closing, I’ll say that from an early age, I’ve been told I was special. And I’ve believed it when people said it, believed that I didn’t need to do anything to make it so. So perhaps I feel a bit like I have not made as much of this past year as I should have. I have not treated those around me as they deserve to be treated. I am my own harshest critic and to some extent, I feel at age 26.5 I have not made enough of myself; this is not to say that I feel I am a failure, it’s more like I feel that I have wasted opportunities to be a better person. I am not the person I want to be. I’m going to work harder on it.