I Let You Down

I think most people would say I don’t give myself a break. Trying to think about where this comes from, I look back at my childhood and remember taking maybe $5 from my brother without his permission. I lied about this for a long time, and then finally fessed up when my mom threatened me with “Lightning strike me (her) dead if you did this and lied to me about it and don’t confess now.” Two things: I’m a gullible idiot and I confessed.

Furthering my pain is that I have difficulty starting things where I might fail or even struggle. (Aside: Sure, I did an Ironman, but there was no doubt in my mind at any point that I would not finish it. I still cannot fathom what I would have done that day, how I would have felt, had I not been able to finish. I think finishing was really one of the two great things that happened for me this year.). So if I want to change jobs, which I know has been a struggle and will probably continue to be, I have a hard time even writing cover letters.

Finally, I have a hard time even doing stuff for myself. I was given a week last week to create my own workouts. I did 2. But if my coach gives me workouts, I hit every workout in a given week. Is it a fear of failing someone else? A fear of someone knowing my failure? (Those who know me will say that I rarely, if ever, follow through on things I say I will do so it cannot be that I am afraid of someone knowing my failure). I think it must be the first. But how am I to know? I hate to disappoint people when they are counting on me. But it appears I am willing to let myself down, over and over and over again. I think I may have reached the breaking point.