Silence

I’m riding backwards on a train to Princeton. I haven’t been back there since reunions, but then, that makes sense. There are a lot of memories there, both bad and good. But then, really, who cares? I mean, I do, and maybe the people who care about me do, but I think we all leave good and bad memories wherever we go. So it’s totally to be expected and entirely uninteresting.

Anyhow, riding a train backwards is something I enjoy. You may say, always look forward, because that’s where the future is, but today has been one of those hectic hellish days where it’s been everything non-stop, and it’s nice to finally slow down. What a tortured metaphor that is: Sitting backwards on the train. Fuck. I like it because I like it, not because it means anything at all. Also, the seat was available and it didn’t smell like a toilet, so it has that going for it. I like the graffiti and ruined buildings along the train tracks – I guess I like the pristine buildings in the city too, but yes, maybe I like ruins and run-down buildings a little more than the skyscrapers. Any maybe it’s because I am totally removed from them while I’m in the train. Maybe if I went up and touched them, I would not like them so much. Or maybe it’s because they are much more interesting to imagine. What hermit lived in that house? What was built in those factories or stored in the warehouse? But that’s not it. Every time I think of a reason, I can rationalize it or argue it away. But I guess there’s a bit of beauty in the dilapidation.

Even so, I’d much rather be back at work now. I just reached a milestone in my work last night, and I’d like to be able to follow it while it ran. But instead, my officemate is calling me and trying to make it run faster. Which I should be OK with, but I’m not. I’m not learning anything from him updating my work. But I can’t be because I’m not there to work on it. I guess, though, that it could be worse. I might not want to be either place. Are there places I would much rather be? Yes. Are there people I would much rather be with? Yes. But here is where I am, and I better make the most of it.