September 2007

She said “You’re changing.” Well we’re always changing

I should be working now. I mean, I should be asleep, but there are some significant problems that I’m working on that I’d like to have solved. Of course, not doing anything between 6:30 and midnight is not conducive to solving those problems. So I guess the bigger/biggest problem is actually sitting down to work, which writing isn’t. But in not being work, it’s much more interesting.  That’s not to say I don’t enjoy my work: in fact, I enjoy it significantly more than most other jobs I’ve held. It’s quite the challenge.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever really change from who I am. I don’t know that I haven’t tried, and I don’t know that I haven’t changed. I know that now I am happy and actually acting happy, though I am still quite cynical. If you ask my parents, I think they’ll say I’ve always had some snide comeback to everything that is said around me (not necessarily said to me). I imagine that watching TV with me must get quite irritating. I’d imagine that most things, when I am at my most verbal, are quite annoying to do with me. And I’d imagine that even when I’m not being loud, I can still be annoying in still other ways.

I’ve been sleeping like crap again lately. It’s taking me forever to fall asleep and I wake up in a sweat every morning and I have no earthly idea why. I don’t think I’ve even been dreaming of late. I got nothing else. I’m going to try and solve one of these problems and then go to sleep.

Comments (0)

Permalink

Silence

I’m riding backwards on a train to Princeton. I haven’t been back there since reunions, but then, that makes sense. There are a lot of memories there, both bad and good. But then, really, who cares? I mean, I do, and maybe the people who care about me do, but I think we all leave good and bad memories wherever we go. So it’s totally to be expected and entirely uninteresting.

Anyhow, riding a train backwards is something I enjoy. You may say, always look forward, because that’s where the future is, but today has been one of those hectic hellish days where it’s been everything non-stop, and it’s nice to finally slow down. What a tortured metaphor that is: Sitting backwards on the train. Fuck. I like it because I like it, not because it means anything at all. Also, the seat was available and it didn’t smell like a toilet, so it has that going for it. I like the graffiti and ruined buildings along the train tracks – I guess I like the pristine buildings in the city too, but yes, maybe I like ruins and run-down buildings a little more than the skyscrapers. Any maybe it’s because I am totally removed from them while I’m in the train. Maybe if I went up and touched them, I would not like them so much. Or maybe it’s because they are much more interesting to imagine. What hermit lived in that house? What was built in those factories or stored in the warehouse? But that’s not it. Every time I think of a reason, I can rationalize it or argue it away. But I guess there’s a bit of beauty in the dilapidation.

Even so, I’d much rather be back at work now. I just reached a milestone in my work last night, and I’d like to be able to follow it while it ran. But instead, my officemate is calling me and trying to make it run faster. Which I should be OK with, but I’m not. I’m not learning anything from him updating my work. But I can’t be because I’m not there to work on it. I guess, though, that it could be worse. I might not want to be either place. Are there places I would much rather be? Yes. Are there people I would much rather be with? Yes. But here is where I am, and I better make the most of it.

Comments (0)

Permalink

You can find yourself in the bottom of a bottle

But you can’t find your way out…

I’m happy. For… well not for the for the first time in a long time… but it’s something… maybe the first time I’ve been happy not being miserable. Driving home from the City this weekend, I realized that there’s nothing wrong with me, and there’s nothing wrong with that fact. Maybe I used to think that nobody would care about me if I weren’t on the edge of depression. But the fact of the matter is, there’s nothing wrong with me. So that’s good.

Also, trapeze class is way cool. Some photos/videos coming. Possibly within 30 months!

Comments (0)

Permalink