But are we scared to take the ride?

I would think that one of my problems is that things, so often, seem to fall into place for me. I had a little scare this past weekend: it’s one month before my apartment will really become mine, and my sublet ended yesterday. I hadn’t made any plans for the contingency (well, I had thought I had, but I left it up to other people and ended up not having any concrete plans). Nina, wise as she is, had tried to help me find places for this empty period. I really took that for granted, thinking, eh whatever it will work out. In the end, I got stressed out, she got frustrated, and I almost got homeless (but things, in the end, are appearing to work out).

In any case, I need to learn my lesson here. Not that I should do whatever it is that doesn’t frustrate other people (cause I can’t help it if sometimes some of the things I do are frustrating someone, even someone I love dearly, that’s just the way life goes). But that I really need to start making contingency plans. Scratch that. I need to make some plans. I guess that kind of goes against my really laid-back nature (yes that’s true), but I really need to say: I’m going to do X, and if X doesn’t work out, Y and Z are my backup plans. Maybe I’ll start with something small, like somewhere to go to dinner. I’ll say, we’re going to X, and if that works, we’ll go to X. Otherwise, we’ll have Y and Z. It’s not really a plan, I guess, but more of forethought. But this raises the question, namely, who am I doing this for? I think I’m doing it for me. There’s no saying I can change the little things like dinner (my mom, this weekend, would offer three options, and upon my dad and me choosing where to go, asking if that was really where we wanted to go). But I need to change the bigger things, because I don’t need this stress in my life. And if that requires that I stop being so scared of meeting people or even just putting myself out there for judgement, so be it. There’s nothing left to be done in building the foundation of who I am. I have bad habits and good habits. I tend to mumble. If a conversation were a highway, my mind would stop at every rest stop, and I have to force it back onto the road; I don’t multitask (listen and do anything else unrelated) very well. I can’t see that changing. I may build myself up better, lose some of the bad habits and create some more good ones, but I can’t see me changing all that much.

All that being said, I want to get back to the basics. I want to start doing the right things again. I wrote out a list of lifelong accomplishments I wanted to achieve a while back, it’s time I start working on them again. But I want to have someone along for the ride in an aspect of all of them. I don’t think I’ve lost the balance in my life because of any one thing; I think I never really had it. It’s not that I don’t make time for the things and people that I love (I do, especially for the people); it’s that in the downtime, I don’t make good use of my time. Even if I’m just watching TV or a movie or something, I want to be doing something else at the same time (drawing, writing, sharing the time with someone).

I hate writing this mindless drivel. I feel as though it’s of no interest to anyone, and to anyone who knows me, they probably think this is just me talking the talk of the walk I’ll never walk. This time, it won’t be for lack of trying.