Resolute

I’m not big on resolutions, presumably because I’m not very good at following through on them. However, I’ve decided that I’ll add a new resolution each month, starting with two in January:

1. Read a chapter of a book every day/night. Currently this is Henderson the Rain King, for the pretty obvious reason. I’m a sucker for good lyrics.

2. Shave every day. I’ve never done this. I obviously could, and I probably should given the pace of my facial hair growth, but I typically don’t organize my day enough to fit this in.

Other things I would like to do this year, but will not resolve (yet) to do are to write more (either here or elsewhere), clean my room (and therefore make my life feel a bit more sound) more frequently, and to take far more chances (not with my life, but with how I live it… to step out of my cocoon so to speak). Those who know me well know that I like to stay where I am comfortable. It’s time to stretch those bounds. Go to more concerts, experience new things. Start forgetting that things in the past happened and stop letting them affect how I’m living today or tomorrow.  Stop apologizing for things I am honest about. Maybe I should keep my mouth shut, but then again, maybe I’m better off saying these things.

Also, on my list of things I want to accomplish (written nearly two or three years ago) in my lifetime back in May 2005. Among the short term goals: shave every day, read 20 pages every day. Among the long term goals: finish an Ironman Triathlon.

Here’s the full list:

Everyday things that I want to do:

* Run/exercise everyday
* Read 20 pages a day
* Write to one friend a day
* Shower
* Brush teeth twice a day
* Shave

Lifelong things:

* Raise great children
* Be a good husband
* Visit every populated continent by 30
* Play in a professional golf tournament
* Earn $1,000,000 in one year
* Become an expert in one thing
* Become a CEO of a company
* Learn one art form
* Run a marathon
* Finish an Ironman Triathalon

Update:

*Also, I want to go heliskiing before I turn 30. This is more probable than visiting every continent, but maybe I’ll go heliskiing in South America or something.

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In a bar in downtown hell

I spent Christmas Eve and Day with the sibs that live in NYC. It was a holiday of unexpected fun. We bought a hodgepodge of food and beer from Whole Paycheck, went to my brother’s apartment, ate, drank and watched I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. The food was surprisingly good, the beer unsurprisingly strong, and the movie surprisingly funny. In any case, a good old fashioned new age Jewish Christmas.

The next night, we went to dinner. On the way, my sister and her friend were discussing bars from Berlin. The bar names were all related to breakups. At which point we started talking about a future bar we would call “It’s Not You, It’s Me.” My brilliant addition? 2 for 1 drink specials for the recently dumped. The catch? You gotta give the second drink to someone else. Anyhow good times.

Also, good music? Paramore’s “Misery Business” and Boys Like Girls’ “Hero/Heroine.” Also, Bad Religion’s”Honest Goodbye.”


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As if anyone reads this anymore

The smile… a smile… just one smile, is all it takes to make one feel good about themselves. So whoever you are, square glasses funky jeans hipster lady, thanks. You were quite cute and had a great smile.

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Take Over Me

I’m allergic to my parents house. I like the feeling of the allergies wash over my body with lethargy. They take a slow creep from my eyes, dragging my eyelids downwards and through my sinuses.  Pretty soon, I’ll end up succumbing and just going to sleep.

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It’s all a lie

My skin glows a jaundiced yellow in the setting Florida sun. I’m not playing well but I finally feel almost old enough to belong. It’s odd. I always feel like I’m stuck at 12 years old, or maybe even younger. I haven’t carved my little igloo in life yet, and these people I play with, besides my dad, I just don’t know them well enough to carry on a solid conversation. But they seem to enjoy my jokes, and I enjoy their company and their patience. I wish I had some patience. I can push my body to its limits, but it takes a lot of work from my brain. I am lazy at heart and goddammit I wish I weren’t, and my mind is finally getting strong enough to overpower itself and do what I would like it to do. It just takes a lot of work. My mind is its own monster – fighting me at every turn. I can’t even turn it off. The more I fight, the harder it gets. I can’t convince it to believe what I want and maybe that’s my heart getting in the way, but whatever. It’s fucking freezing in here, but besides my feet, I feel pretty warm.  Withdrawal is a bitch. Sometimes, I forget or ignore and then I get the shakes and I feel really fucking glad that that’s all it is. It could be so much worse. I’m not even addicted to anything, and it still sucks. Well, whatever. I’ve been keeping up with the training, or trying to (see above for the battles I play with my head). But I’m learning to sleep when I need to, and wake up when I need to, even if the waking up part is a lot harder. Half marathon on Thursday should be pretty doable and I guess somewhat relaxing because I’ll be on my own (except for my thoughts, which might make it not so much relaxing cause I can’t turn them off). But I’m turning this off for now.  What I really think and really feel are for me to keep because there’s no point at all to making everything public.

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Bandaids

I’m watching Das Boot in the original German with English subtitles. So it’s a bit difficult to type and watch the movie at the same time, but I’ll do it. I got sick on Monday. I had actually been fatigued  all weekend but was not expecting to wake up feeling like shit on Monday. But I did. It’s taken 2.5 days to get over it, but I finally got a workout in tonight… swam 2400 meters. well, im not sure if it was meters or yards, but i think it’s meters. the weather is getting perfect for me – I love training in a bit of a chill.

i was thinking today about how difficult it is to maintain friendships – I thought friendships would become easier as I grew older, but the simple fact of the matter is that people’s worlds become more insular as they grow – more acquaintances perhaps, but the number of friends, good friends, i think grows smaller. i’ve got friends on the west coast, a friend in lebanon, and a ton of friends on the east coast who are busy at work or with their significant others. So it’s a little lonely, but we find other things to get ourselves through the day.

Oh, and the line from one or two times ago: “Condoms are like another kind of latex band-aids to me.” I couldn’t figure out a way to work it into a story, though I like the image.

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Keep me in your thoughts, don’t disappear

Maybe the drugs are working…

Yeah, if you get that one, you’re listening too way too much of the same music I am listening to way too much of.  Anyhow, I’m… I’ve got about 12 minutes to write this before I go to sleep. I’ve had a shitload of stuff going through my head that I’ve wanted to type but I’m far too fucking ADHD and unmotivated to write anything. I had this great image in my head that I’ve been trying to figure out a way to fit a story around. I’ve got two CDs that I want to make, One for Now and One for the Next One. I’ve had bad stomach issues the past week, totally un-lactose related, totally unrelated to anything I’ve fucking eaten.

Anyhow, one of these people at work keeps getting presents from her boyfriend. It’s a kind of sad reminder of all the ways I messed up, and all the things I can do better. But it’s not so bad.

Next time.

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She said “You’re changing.” Well we’re always changing

I should be working now. I mean, I should be asleep, but there are some significant problems that I’m working on that I’d like to have solved. Of course, not doing anything between 6:30 and midnight is not conducive to solving those problems. So I guess the bigger/biggest problem is actually sitting down to work, which writing isn’t. But in not being work, it’s much more interesting.  That’s not to say I don’t enjoy my work: in fact, I enjoy it significantly more than most other jobs I’ve held. It’s quite the challenge.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever really change from who I am. I don’t know that I haven’t tried, and I don’t know that I haven’t changed. I know that now I am happy and actually acting happy, though I am still quite cynical. If you ask my parents, I think they’ll say I’ve always had some snide comeback to everything that is said around me (not necessarily said to me). I imagine that watching TV with me must get quite irritating. I’d imagine that most things, when I am at my most verbal, are quite annoying to do with me. And I’d imagine that even when I’m not being loud, I can still be annoying in still other ways.

I’ve been sleeping like crap again lately. It’s taking me forever to fall asleep and I wake up in a sweat every morning and I have no earthly idea why. I don’t think I’ve even been dreaming of late. I got nothing else. I’m going to try and solve one of these problems and then go to sleep.

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Silence

I’m riding backwards on a train to Princeton. I haven’t been back there since reunions, but then, that makes sense. There are a lot of memories there, both bad and good. But then, really, who cares? I mean, I do, and maybe the people who care about me do, but I think we all leave good and bad memories wherever we go. So it’s totally to be expected and entirely uninteresting.

Anyhow, riding a train backwards is something I enjoy. You may say, always look forward, because that’s where the future is, but today has been one of those hectic hellish days where it’s been everything non-stop, and it’s nice to finally slow down. What a tortured metaphor that is: Sitting backwards on the train. Fuck. I like it because I like it, not because it means anything at all. Also, the seat was available and it didn’t smell like a toilet, so it has that going for it. I like the graffiti and ruined buildings along the train tracks – I guess I like the pristine buildings in the city too, but yes, maybe I like ruins and run-down buildings a little more than the skyscrapers. Any maybe it’s because I am totally removed from them while I’m in the train. Maybe if I went up and touched them, I would not like them so much. Or maybe it’s because they are much more interesting to imagine. What hermit lived in that house? What was built in those factories or stored in the warehouse? But that’s not it. Every time I think of a reason, I can rationalize it or argue it away. But I guess there’s a bit of beauty in the dilapidation.

Even so, I’d much rather be back at work now. I just reached a milestone in my work last night, and I’d like to be able to follow it while it ran. But instead, my officemate is calling me and trying to make it run faster. Which I should be OK with, but I’m not. I’m not learning anything from him updating my work. But I can’t be because I’m not there to work on it. I guess, though, that it could be worse. I might not want to be either place. Are there places I would much rather be? Yes. Are there people I would much rather be with? Yes. But here is where I am, and I better make the most of it.

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I’m back…

So, as some of you might know… well, actually, no most know but some don’t. The whole heart thing came back fine. I ended up having 3 EKGs total and an echocardiogram. The echocardiogram was really cool and fun. Totally painless and it was incredibly cool to see my heart on the screen. Looked like a fist squeezing over and over.

Work has been a pain lately, but it’s getting better (I think… I can’t really tell if that’s because the end is in sight for my current work or because just everything in my life is just getting better). Nothing much has changed with me, I’m just… I’m me again.


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